I feel free, but empty.
Free... But freedom is cold.
They say it's never easy, being free or being a slave.
Breathing is still heavy anyway... Finding you own voice, your own will, the meaning of all of your desires, trying to figure out if there's a good reason for everything, if there's a reason at all.
Being human means to spend a whole life trying to make it once, to make thinks right, maybe out of love, out of kindness, or whatever, and being honestly and genuinely happy.
And, again, happiness is also a tricky matter, because old people tell us, with resignation or wisdom, I don't know, that they are almost sure that happiness was never a real thing, but made up ideal to fill our emptiness for a while. I mean, some of them say they knew happiness, but there is not just one way or combination of words to describe it. Because it's a made up thing, off course, and it is always an individual creation of the mind or longing human spirit, that will never be the same for anyone. So, the ones, the adult people near to death, they know they don't want to cheat themselves, or anyone else, so they tell the truth: You have to invent and believe in you own happiness. It's not the money you make, the time you spend traveling and doing pleasurable things in the world. We all know that even this world is a mistake, a random event in the middle of the emptiness of the universe, but for that reason it's beautiful.
The only two things that I never ague about, not with anyone else but myself, are beauty and God. Those are perfect essences, that you can feel if you like to be aware in this life. But I'll explain something here, now that I'm writing this to the outer world, God is energy, I feel it when I breathe. It's not a person, it's not the air, but it is, for sure, the energy to take the air in and out of my body. God was the energy that made the star dust collide and form this planet and then it became also water, and plants, and food, and my hair, and my eyes, and my heart. God is the sun, and the sea, and myself as much as you are also God. And all of that process of existence, that can never be reversed, because yes, you can stop being what you are now, but once you exist, once you've started existing, you can not go back, nothing can not not-be after being even just for a second. There, the time means nothing. So, God is also the mere act of existing above time, against the nothingness. And all of this is so beautiful, so great. Words sound too stupid when you try to explain it, but beauty doesn't need a pretty voice, a pretty face, or a pretty meaning. Beautiful concepts are false and empty reflections of beauty, if you really want to understand it, you must observe it, all around us, and feel it.
If you have to explain why something or someone is beautiful, it means it's not.
But there are some people, that just like they do with happiness, think there is only one true God that for them, almost seems to be like a person with a conscience, they even think God is a man, a father. And they follow others all the time, they believe when someone tells them that they're ugly or pretty, good or bad, enough or not enough to deserve this life. And they are demanded to fit in certain limits and definitions to interact with others, to be valued and respected. God, beauty, happiness, love, having a job and money, those are the common things or ideals that are demanded (off course previously shaped) in order to be approved for this existence. Some humans believed that they knew the truth. And this is something I do discuss all the time. How do you know something is true? How do I even know if what I feel is true? Why should I believe in someone else's perception of the world when I'm not even sure that I'm not dreaming? Should I mind about your pain when you don't mind about mine? I can hear, I can see, I can touch, I can smell things, but still, everything is so random, I can't have all images of the world, all textures, all smells at the same time, I can't be all around whenever I want to, I'm just stocked here. I was born in a small spot of this planet with random parents, money, and looks. I can only visit one place of the Earth at the time, with this body I am.
So, as far as it concerns me, the truth could always be somewhere else, inside a very estrange brain, even inside a small rock on the bottom of a river, that I might never see. And I'm free to believe and think this way, this solitary way, where not much people move. It's very cold here, because we don't have a solid ground or a refuge anymore. We broke the patterns, just like energy has always done in the universe. We're alone, but that's even a very important part of this. God, energy, the universe, everything we see was born alone, completely on it's own. And in order to grow, in order to expand, it broke, in more than a million beautiful pieces. So, I don't mind fitting in anywhere. I'm spinning around this vast space very fast, I'm burning inside, I don't fucking know where I'm going, but I'm getting there really fast. I feel that every time that I concentrate in my breathing, I'm traveling, I'm moving somewhere. Words, problems, people, all the material objects just vanish with the speed.
When I need an escape, I just use a smoke, a drink, a short travel to somewhere I can afford, and that's good. Love is also a thing you have to agree to invent, completely out of whatever, with someone you think you can trust and follow in this madness. If you chose to be with a person that tells you that what they think that love is really represents what love is at all, both of you are fucking crazy. Because love is the most dangerous invention of them all. You can't surrender to someone else's ideal of love, and you can't force anyone to accept yours, that would be terribly hurtful and destructive. You know what? To love, to fall in love, you only need to be kind and have an opened mind. Don't you fucking hurt others, stop being mean to others, stop telling others how to be good, how to be enough to deserve this life. Be kind because you also need other to be kind to you. We have no other light in this universe, but ourselves. And we're destructing each others, because of stupid things such as ego, and egoism, and worse, power.
In order to gain more power we make others feel afraid, we tell them the're not beautiful, or good, and that they're empty, they're less and won't ever understand life. But taking advantage of others does not make anyone great, stronger, wiser, nor immortal. Stop it. Time is running out, and even if you feel weak, if you feel like you're too small that you can't fight it, that you can't fight in this world for your own life, please, note this: You are dying anyway, so at least die setting your own mind and heart free from the ones that tell you that you can't fight. You are complete, you can run, you are enough, you are energy, you are your own measurement of time, you are beautiful, I know that.
Los sueños pueden atascarse a veces en ese espacio en blanco donde nacen todos los sueños humanos, pero las manos las tendremos siempre frente a nuestros ojos, y nadie puede decirnos que nuestras manos no son suficientes armas para cambiarlo todo.